Rare Words Never Heard Before

The moving story of the spiritual awakening of the esteemed Rabbi Michael Gol shlit"a, Rosh Yeshiva of 'Mageni Eretz' in Jerusalem and one of the veteran and well-known students of our teacher, the great tzaddik Rabbi Eliezer Berland shlit"a. This conversation about his awakening is very rare, as Rabbi Gol himself testifies later on: "It is a wonder of wonders; my son always asks me to tell the story, and I have never told it before, so in fact, they still do not know the story."

In Breslov, Torah was not taught in public in front of fellow chassidim

Rabbi Gol begins the words he delivered on the 28th of Av, 5765: "There is a story among Anash (members of our community) that one person would only speak before a crowd on the condition that he did not see his friend. Reb Nachman of Tulchin (Rabbi Nachman Chazan, 1813–1884, was a close student of Reb Noson of Breslov and served as a central figure in the growth of Breslov Chassidut in the mid-19th century) would not agree to speak when Rabbi Nachman of Tcherin (Rabbi Nachman Goldstein, known as 'Reb Nachman of Tcherin' or 'Baal HaParparot', 1825–1894, was the Rabbi of the city of Tcherin in Ukraine, a close student of Reb Noson of Breslov, and a central figure in passing the Breslov tradition to future generations) was in the room. So, the Rabbi of Tcherin would enter secretly. Our teacher Rav Berland once said about the Rabbi of Tcherin that he was the greatest scholar of his generation, but because he was a Breslov chassid, this was a hidden matter."

All thoughts of teshuvah come from the tzaddik

"It is a wonder of wonders how the tzaddik plants thoughts within a person. Today I look back; the Rebbe says, 'Every thought of teshuvah in the world is drawn from me.' If a person merits it, they immediately show him where his thought of teshuvah comes from, and if not, he must go through many transitions and many clarifications until he understands that the thought of teshuvah came from the tzaddik. Our teacher Rav Berland always mentions this, that one goes through clarifications until one understands that the thought of teshuvah is from the tzaddik."

Even my close family does not know the story of my awakening

"It is a wonder of wonders; my son always asks me to tell the story, and I have never told it before, so in fact, they still do not know the story. The story of my awakening began through my older brother, who, even when we were young, had this matter of self-searching. There was a three-year age difference between us, and while others were busy with the vanities of this world, I was a listening ear for him."

My brother began searching for spirituality and pulled me along with him

"The story begins during my brother's military service; he had a friend at the base who was involved in all sorts of meditations and things like that. My brother was strongly caught up in the idea and pulled me along with him. The difference was that he entered the matter with his whole being, while I had an aversion to the subject. I felt there was some point of truth here, that this whole world is vanity of vanities and that a person should strive for spirituality, but it was still hard to detach from the physicality of the world."

"I do not want to elaborate on this, as the Rebbe says that every sect has its methods and explanations; here too, it is not worth dwelling on them. It has an attraction for those who seek spirituality and for whom Judaism is still distant, just as the Rebbe speaks about the bridge over the treasury in Vienna."

In my childhood, I grew up in religious frameworks

"In fact, I grew up in a religious home and all those years I was in a religious school, while my brother was under pressure from teachers to leave and go to a secular high school. He was very talented, a bright future was expected for him, and the secular high school was the best at that time. By the way, I heard that the same teacher who pressured him to move to the secular high school contracted the illness. My parents were worried about it, but he told them there was nothing to worry about: 'You have a smart and strong child who will not be negatively influenced,' he convinced them. But, truly, how can a 14-year-old child, innocent and simple, deal with a massive amount of youth at the Herzliya Gymnasium who come from such educated homes?!"

"After my parents saw the spiritual influence on my brother, they would not allow me to transfer. In any case, because we grew up in a religious home, we supposedly knew about prayer and there wasn't much to innovate for us, and suddenly we heard about such spiritual innovations, and it pulled my brother very strongly. My parents didn't pay much attention to it until things said by Rav Ovadia were published, and suddenly they understood that it wasn't as innocent as it sounded."

"I remember we took my mother once to a lecture; she just sat down and fell asleep until the end. At the end of the evening, when the last speaker finished talking, she opened her eyes. We felt uncomfortable then, but in retrospect, I understood that she had the merit of her ancestors not to hear all the nonsense they spoke there."

Divine intervention helps us on the way

"Suddenly, all sorts of heavenly matters joined the issue. My mother's father came to her in a dream and told her, 'In all the synagogues there is a great noise and people are praying, so why are you not praying for what is happening with your children?' The matter greatly stirred my mother to pray about the subject. With my father, it was truly a wonder of wonders; one person referred him to 'Yad L'Achim' regarding the matter, but there they told him that they deal more with small children, placing them in yeshivas and Talmud Torahs, and not with young men. I remember how my father was broken by this; he leaned on the mezuzah with tears and said, 'Master of the World, even here You closed the door on me?'"

First prayer in life from the depths of the heart

"A second point was when I was supposed to be asleep, but I heard how my mother was begging my brother to leave the place where he was (at that time he was already married), but he told her he was only looking for the truth. 'On the contrary, convince me that the truth is elsewhere and I will go,' he told her. My mother began to convince him that we are Jews; I remember that this was the first time I turned to Hashem from the depths of my heart. All my life I prayed Shacharit, Mincha, and Maariv, but I never felt myself praying to Hashem. I remember how I turned and addressed Hashem from the depths of my heart, and with tears, I asked Him to show me the truth in the world, where one needs to draw close. We didn't even link it to Judaism; we talked about the fact that one needs to draw close to the 'complete person'—that's what we called it then."