A Person Merely Contemplates Teshuvah

Prayer is likened to a mikvah (ritual bath) and teshuvah (repentance) to the sea. Just as a mikvah is sometimes open and sometimes locked, so too the gates of prayer are sometimes locked and sometimes open. But this sea is always open; thus, the gates of teshuvah are always open. (Midrash Eicha)

"If your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." (Isaiah 1)

For forty days, Moses our Teacher stood and pleaded: "Please forgive the iniquity of this people according to the greatness of Your kindness," until on Yom Kippur, Hashem answered him and said: "I have forgiven according to your word." Through this, the path of teshuvah was paved for all generations.

Teshuvah is something truly wondrous. With a single thought of teshuvah, a person can transform their entire reality. For teshuvah possesses power even in thought alone. A person may have done something, a person may have spoiled things—who knows how much he damaged? Suddenly, a pang of regret and a thought of teshuvah comes to him, and everything flips over. He receives such joy, such Divine light, and the Holy One, Blessed be He, opens all the gates. How is this possible? This is how Hashem created the world: Teshuvah is above everything, above the world, and no matter how great the sin, it cannot touch teshuvah.

A person merely touches teshuvah, merely contemplates teshuvah, and the teshuvah pours upon him a clean and pure light, a Divine light.

The Holy One, Blessed be He, created teshuvah first, and only afterwards the entire creation. For before the world was created, it is already stated, "And the spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters." This means the waters existed even before the world was created, and the waters represent teshuvah, as it is written, "Pour out your heart like water before the presence of Hashem." Holy water is teshuvah—pure and clear water. Suddenly, a terrible anger overtook me, and I said something that deeply hurt another person. Not only that, but it all happened in the presence of other people. Master of the World, what will become of me? How could I hurt a Jew like that? How could I spill his blood like that? Help me, so that I will never again cause pain or hurt any person, that I will never shout at people. Forgive me, Father. Help me fix what I spoiled. Help the other person accept my apology, and let my words penetrate his heart.

When we ask for forgiveness and just move on, that is not teshuvah; that is external. That is only so the attribute of judgment does not strike us, because we know there is judgment in the world. One must do teshuvah with the heart. Master of the World, I do not want this behavior! Have mercy on me, save me! Such teshuvah is accepted immediately.

"Do something, signal to Me, show Me that you truly want Me, that you truly desire holiness, that you are truly sorry for the flaws you created, that you are truly ashamed. If I see this, I will come to you." The Holy One, Blessed be He, is ready to forgive everything, but on the condition that we are ashamed of what we damaged—at least that we feel shame. Let it prick our hearts. "Sorry, Father, for all those mistakes that caused me to be far from You throughout the year. Help me to fix it. Help me, from now on, to do things that will only bring me closer to You." How precious are such thoughts of teshuvah to Hashem.

Hashem is the Merciful One. He forgives us for all our iniquities. And when one does teshuvah out of love, the intentional sins are transformed into merits. You will not find such mercy with any judge of flesh and blood. In no court will you find them telling the prosecutor to be silent, as they say among us—"Hass Kategor!" (Silence, Prosecutor!).

No judge will teach you how to ask for mercy to influence the outcome of the trial—except for Hashem, who taught Moses our Teacher. Hashem wrapped Himself in a tallis (prayer shawl) and said to Moses: "Look, just as I am doing now, so shall you teach the entire Nation of Israel. When there is some trouble for the Nation of Israel, Heaven forbid, let the prayer leader wrap himself in a tallis, and what I am saying now, he shall say." Then Hashem recited the 13 Attributes of Mercy: "Hashem, Hashem, God, Compassionate and Gracious, Slow to Anger, and Abundant in Kindness and Truth, Preserver of Kindness for thousands of generations, Forgiver of iniquity, willful sin, and error, and Who cleanses!" But why do we stop here? There is a continuation to the verse: "V'nakeh lo yenakeh" (And He will cleanse, He will not cleanse / He will not leave unpunished). Even here, the Creator's mercy is revealed, for He placed it in the minds of the Sages of Israel to cut the verse in two. They threw away "lo yenakeh" (He will not cleanse) and took only "V'nakeh" (And He will cleanse).

Hashem is merciful. He does not give up on a single Jew. On Yom Kippur, we are all together. Even the simple people, who did not merit to fulfill many mitzvos, come and join the entire congregation. Hashem wants everyone. Even the transgressors. "By the authority of the Omnipresent and by the authority of the congregation, in the Academy on High and in the academy down below, we permit praying with the transgressors." This is how it is with Jews. There is no Jew who is not a tzaddik in his innermost self, in the depth of his soul, who does not have some holy spark. And as the "Ben Ish Chai" says, there is no person who does not have his hour; even the greatest wicked person has thoughts of true teshuvah. Therefore, even the transgressors pray with the congregation.

Once, people met the Gaon Rabbi Chaim Chizkiyahu Medini zt"l, author of the *Sdei Chemed*, walking on the road in the heat of the day. They asked him: "Where is the Rabbi heading?" He replied: "To fulfill the mitzvah of visiting the sick." They asked him: "Who is the sick person?" He mentioned his name. The questioners were shocked and said: "But he is a transgressor! May there not be many like him in Israel." Rabbi Chizkiyahu remarked to them: "Firstly, it is said that even the sinners of Israel are full of mitzvos like a pomegranate. And secondly, we are not going to visit the sick person alone, but also the Shechinah (Divine Presence), which hovers over the bed of the sick..." The people joined him and went with him. When the sick man saw them, he recovered his strength and sat up in bed out of respect. Not many days passed before the man was walking in the streets of the city, and from then on, he returned in complete teshuvah. (*Orot Mimizrach*)

Hashem wants everyone. He does not give up on any Jew. Rebbe Nachman says that as soon as Rosh Hashanah passes and is gone, he already hears the voice of the *Shamash* (beadle) knocking on the doors to wake people for the *Selichot* (penitential prayers) of the coming year. Meaning, as soon as Rosh Hashanah passes, Rebbe Nachman is already in the next Rosh Chodesh Elul. In other words, there is nothing in the world except Elul and Tishrei—these days when the Jew is close to Hashem, and everyone prays together. The *Shamash* goes and knocks at the home of each and every one, calling out: "Awake, sleepers, from your slumber!" He knocks with his stick on the doors because back then there were no devices and no possibility to wake people any other way, and *Selichot* are at an earlier hour than the regular prayer, and it is hard for people to get up. But what is important here is that Hashem needs each and every one. "I cannot be without each and every one; My *Shamash* gathers and collects all the souls; every Jew is important to Me."

On Yom Kippur, we do not pray only for what was. On Yom Kippur, we receive strength to hold on and not fall from anything that might happen in the future. The Holy One, Blessed be He, not only agreed to forgive but also to strengthen the hearts of Israel and give them the power to be with Him always, both in ascent and in descent.

This is like the Kohen Gadol (High Priest) in the Holy Temple, who would enter and exit the Holy of Holies, and again exit and strip off and change his garments from golden garments to white garments, again and again, five times—as we mention in the Musaf prayer regarding the order of the Kohen Gadol's service. It was an order entirely comprised of entering and exiting. And all this was to give us the strength to serve Hashem both in the "entrance" to holiness and in the "exit" from it. Both in ascent and in descent. "So that every person, in whatever place he may be, can draw upon himself the aspect of the path of teshuvah, until even those lying in the lowest depths of Sheol can find Hashem always. This is the aspect of the service of the Kohen Gadol on Yom Kippur: from outside to inside, and from inside to outside." (*Likutey Halachos*, Shabbat 7:52).

We are compelled to pass through the darkness to reach the light. This is a law of creation. The Holy One, Blessed be He—His entire desire is that we merit to see the light, but the light is not revealed except from within the darkness.

The greatest delight of the Holy One, Blessed be He, is the delight He derives from the work people do in this world—those who struggle in the darkness, who go through such difficult suffering, where the world seems to be collapsing upon them, yet they continue. "I am in darkness, but I know that You are there." Specifically from our most difficult periods, the greatest salvations sprouted. This is how the Holy One, Blessed be He, created His world. "And there was evening and there was morning." A person must remember that this is how it is; everyone goes through this, so they may discover that even there, Hashem is with them. "I do not understand, but I believe that I will yet merit to see the good hidden even in this concealment." To be a Jew is to struggle for connection with Hashem within the darkness, within the routine, within all the things that don't work out for us. We try, despite everything, to lift ourselves a little, to feel something, to connect. Even if we don't feel anything, Hashem wants a person to do the things that need to be done even without feeling anything. Remember that everything is from the Creator of the World, who knows exactly what you need to go through to bring you close to Him.

All of life is tests, all kinds of tests, and only through Emunah (faith) can you get through it all. To hold on through everything that passes over you. Believe that Hashem knows what He is doing with each and every person. Hashem is doing the very best with you. Accept it with Emunah. Accept it with love.

When will Yom Kippur purify us from all impurities and sins? When we take action to purify ourselves. "Before Hashem, you shall be purified"—before Hashem purifies us, we need to purify ourselves (*Kli Yakar*).

And how do we begin? With strong desires and determination of mind. We uproot ourselves from all confusion of the mind and fix our place forever within holiness. We gather all the scattered fragments of will and bind them into one will—burning, sharp, and clear: "I seek Hashem." Our desires must be within the boundaries of holiness, not scattered in foreign fields.

"[We need to aspire that the true point of our life, which is the closeness of Hashem is good for me, which is 'I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine'—that this be the primary thing. Regarding all other things, a person can say he can give them up, but regarding the Holy One, Blessed be He, do not give up.

We want to be like the Menorah in the Holy Temple, which was a single beaten piece (*mikshah*). We want a life connected to the Holy One, Blessed be He, a life of a single piece. We do not want a Menorah that is made of disjointed parts; we want a perfect connection to Hashem. Everything we have, we connect to the Holy One, Blessed be He. Everything is from Him, everything must be asked of Him, everything is Him. He is with us in every place; there is nothing besides Him. Everything is the reality of Hashem.]" (*Be'or Pnei HaMelech*)

We want to purify ourselves from all foreign desires and decide that from today, we want only You, Father. We want to remember that You are our strength. The greatest power in the world that exists. The power that can give me strength. For where do I draw strength from? From my talents? From my successes? From my career? From my training? From the compliments given to me? From what do I draw strength? I have no strength at all; my strength is only You. With these thoughts, with these desires, with these determined decisions, I begin to purify myself. The Holy Saraf of Kotzk zy"a entered on one of the nights of Yom Kippur, his entire being a burning flame. The masses of Chassidim who were in the Beis Midrash were filled with dread at his awe-inspiring appearance. He uttered the verse of Yom Kippur, punctuating it differently than the simple reading of the scripture: "For on this day He will atone..." "It is upon *you* to purify yourselves from all your sins"... They said: For all those who merited to hear this new "interpretation" explicitly from the mouth of the Holy Saraf, that command of self-purification accompanied them all their days...

With what do we conclude this great and awesome day? With "Hashem Hu HaElokim" (Hashem is God). This great, vast Hashem, who is there, whom everyone knows exists—what is His relevance to me? He is *HaElokim*, He is mine, my God, our God. This great Hashem is with us, He is ours. We bring Him down to our simple understanding; we crown Him over us.

"Mikveh Yisrael Hashem" (The Hope/Mikvah of Israel is Hashem). Hashem is our Mikvah. We commit all kinds of transgressions, and Hashem sprinkles pure water upon us and purifies us. But here, it is much more than that. It is to enter *into* the Mikvah of Hashem. Into Godliness. We do not exist; only You exist. We are included in You. Therefore, the final prayer of the day is the *Neilah* (Locking) prayer. We have locked ourselves with the Holy One, Blessed be He, and we are not separating anymore; we are remaining together for eternity.