The Secret of Shalom Bayis: The Wife is the Altar and the Husband is the Fire
Lesson No. 191 | Thursday, Parashas Acharei Mos-Kedoshim, 6 Iyar 5759
A profound discourse on the holiness of marriage and Shalom Bayis (marital harmony). The Rav explains, based on the holy Zohar, how the wife is considered the altar and the husband is the fire, and why the primary fulfillment of the mitzvah "Love your fellow as yourself" is measured specifically by a person's relationship with his wife.
The Ramban, commenting on the verse "You shall be holy," explains that this is not merely a trait of piety, but a positive commandment from the Torah. Holiness applies even in the most private chambers, between a husband and his wife. Every time a person conducts himself with modesty and extra holiness, he fulfills the positive commandment of "You shall be holy."
From here we learn the immense importance of Shalom Bayis. It is forbidden to blemish marital harmony even by a hairsbreadth, or as brought down in the holy Zohar (Page 102b)—even by the thickness of a fingernail.
The Wife is the Altar
The Zohar reveals a tremendous secret to us: The wife is the aspect of the altar, and the husband is the fire upon the altar. The husband is like the constant fire burning on the altar, and the wife prepares the foundation so that the fire can burn—she arranges the home and prepares everything so that the fire can illuminate and provide warmth.
However, exactly like the altar in the Holy Temple, if there is a blemish in it even the size of a fingernail, all the Temple services are invalidated. The Kohen Gadol (High Priest) can perform all the services of Yom Kippur with all the supernal, Kabbalistic intentions, but if it is discovered at the conclusion of Yom Kippur that there was a tiny blemish in the altar, none of the service was accepted favorably.
It is exactly the same in the home: If a person hurts his wife even a tiny bit, like the size of a fingernail, none of his spiritual work ascends on high. Regarding this, the prophet says:
"He no longer turns to the offering or accepts it with goodwill from your hands."
One Soul in Two Bodies
In the book Arvei Nachal (Chapter 17), a profound explanation is brought regarding the verse in the Book of Malachi:
"Because Hashem has borne witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and the wife of your covenant. And did He not make them one?"
He explains that a husband and wife are truly one entity. This is a single soul that Hashem divided into two, and now they must find one another. Therefore, a person must always say to his wife, "We are one; we are a single entity." How can a person insult or hurt someone who is an inseparable part of his own soul?
Sometimes the groom comes from one end of the world and the bride from the other end, just to reconnect that same soul. We have tangibly seen cases where a groom from Australia and a bride from Colombia met here in the Land of Israel. The bride experienced tremendous Divine Providence, miraculously surviving car accidents and massive hurricanes in Miami where houses flew through the air and only her building remained intact—all to awaken her to do teshuvah (repentance), move to the Land of Israel, and find the other half of her soul.
The Art of Yielding and Reconciliation
The holy Zohar says words that are more precious than sapphires: If a person has hurt his wife, he must know how to appease her. "If he hurts her, he must sweeten her with words, and if not, he should not be with her." Meaning, if he does not know how to appease her with good words, they are forbidden to live together. Of course, the most praiseworthy path is not to insult her at all, but if he has already caused hurt, he is obligated to know how to reconcile.
The holy Shechinah (Divine Presence) guided Yaakov Avinu (our Patriarch) toward his marriage, when "he took from the stones of the place and put them around his head." The Zohar explains that this was an education in yielding within the home. Even if a person has a bed of gold, and his wife asks him to sleep on stones or to give up his place for a guest (such as his father-in-law coming to visit)—he must yield joyfully and without arguments. The *Shechinah* trained Yaakov Avinu to know how to yield to his wife, because this is the foundation of building a home.
The True Test of "Love Your Fellow as Yourself"
Rabbi Chaim Vital reveals a tremendous novel insight: The primary fulfillment of the mitzvah "Love your fellow as yourself"—upon which the entire Torah stands—is measured by a person's love for his wife.
Loving a friend whom you meet once a day or once a week is relatively easy. But loving one's wife, when a person is with her twenty-four hours a day, is the hardest and truest test. The peak of a person's tests is found in the home.
When a person loves his wife as himself and honors her more than himself, when he sometimes absorbs criticism or remarks and restrains himself with love – he fulfills the great principle of the Torah at every single moment. Through love and brotherhood, peace and friendship within the home, one merits to bring down the Shechinah (Divine Presence) and to merit a complete and holy life.
Part 2 of 4 — Lesson No. 191