The Secret of Shalom Bayis: Why is a Wife Compared to the Altar?
Class No. 191 | Thursday, Parshas Acharei Mos-Kedoshim, 6 Iyar 5759
In order to merit true shalom bayis (marital harmony), a person needs "mochin" (expanded consciousness) and yishuv hadaas (peace of mind), which can be learned even from a rooster appeasing its mate. The holy Zohar teaches that a wife is likened to the Altar, and any sorrow caused to her invalidates one's spiritual service and prevents his prayers from ascending to Heaven.
A person must leave his home for the yeshiva in good spirits. There must not be any friction or arguing in the home, and if, Heaven forbid, something does happen, he must appease his wife immediately. The Gemara in Tractate Eruvin (100b) states that we learn the trait of shalom bayis from the rooster.
Ninety-Nine Pages of Mochin
Why do we learn this specifically there? One must study ninety-nine complex pages of Tractate Eruvin to reach page one hundred, where we learn about shalom bayis. In order to create shalom bayis, a person needs "mochin" (expanded consciousness)—yishuv hadaas (peace of mind). If a person gets angry or offended by every little thing, he lacks these mochin. Therefore, first of all, you must study ninety-nine complicated pages to build your intellect and character traits, and only then will you possess the proper mochin to establish peace in the home.
The Gemara describes how the rooster appeases the hen, and there is an interesting dispute between Rashi and Rabbeinu Chananel regarding exactly how he does this. Rashi explains that the rooster promises her, "I will buy you a coat that reaches down to your knees." Rabbeinu Chananel, taking it a step further, explains that he promises her, "I will buy you a diamond necklace that reaches down to the floor."
But what happens when he fails to fulfill his promise? He returns and tells her, "Believe me, I went and searched for gemachim (free-loan funds), I looked for people to donate, but all the banks were closed and I couldn't find anything." To prove his sincerity, Rashi says that the rooster swears, "May someone come and cut off my comb if I didn't search." Rabbeinu Chananel explains that he says, "May a cat come and eat my head if I didn't make every effort to bring you the necklace."
The lesson from this is immense: Every person must come home with this attitude: "I made the effort, I searched for necklaces for you, I looked for gemachim to buy you whatever you want." Even if he does not currently have the means, the very effort and sincere desire are what bring peace and joy into the home.
Carrying Everyone on Your Shoulders
To reach such love and acceptance, we must learn from the trait of Aharon HaKohen. The Torah says regarding tefillin, "And they shall be for totafos (ornaments) between your eyes," and the Gemara expounds the word "tat" as relating to shoulders. What is the connection to shoulders?
"And Aharon shall bear their names on his two shoulders for a memorial."
Aharon HaKohen lifted the entire Jewish people upon his shoulders and upon his heart. Even those who hated him, like Korach and his assembly, he carried with love. A person who puts on tefillin must know that he is carrying the entire Jewish people on his shoulders. He must love every Jew, and this is exactly how the attitude must be inside the home—to carry the burden out of love and joy.
A person should not leave the house without joy. If, Heaven forbid, he quarreled with his wife, he should not leave immediately. Let him wait five minutes, think about what to bring home—a cake, ice cream, even a lollipop—the main thing is to calm the storm and ensure there is joy in the home. If there is no shalom bayis and the wife harbors resentment against her husband, everything goes to the Sitra Achra (the Other Side, forces of impurity).
The Wife is Likened to the Altar
The holy Zohar (Parshas Mishpatim) says that a wife is likened to the Altar. The Gemara states that whoever divorces his first wife, the Altar sheds tears over him. The Zohar asks: Why specifically the Altar? Why not compare it to the breaking of the Tablets or the sin of the Golden Calf?
The answer is that the wife is the exact paradigm of the Altar. Regarding the Altar, if there is a tiny blemish, even as small as a nick in a fingernail, the Altar is invalidated and the sacrifices do not ascend. So too in the home: If you caused even a drop of sorrow to your wife, you have blemished the Altar. Your prayers and sacrifices simply do not ascend on high.
We learn this foundational principle from the prophet Malachi. The prophet rebukes the generation of the returnees to Zion, the generation that built the Second Beis HaMikdash (Holy Temple). Their wives had walked with them on foot from Babylon, worked with backbreaking labor, and their faces were blackened by the sun. When they reached an older age, the husbands began to rebel against them and wanted to take other wives. The women came and wept beside the Altar.
About this, the prophet cries out:
"And this further you do: You cover the Altar of Hashem with tears, weeping, and moaning, so that He no longer turns to the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand."
They asked, "For what reason?" And the prophet answers them that it is impossible to be cruel to the wife who served you and bore your children. Whoever hurts his wife and causes her to cry, Hashem does not turn to his offering. No spiritual service is accepted in Heaven when one damages shalom bayis.
Part 1 of 4 — Lesson No. 191