The Secret of Shalom Bayis: The True Test of "Love Your Neighbor as Yourself"
Lesson No. 113 | Cassette 113 Sunday morning, 11 Tishrei 5758 - Lesson at the Yeshiva in the Old City Tuesday, Parshas Shoftim, 30 Menachem Av, First Day of Rosh Chodesh Elul 5757 - Opening lesson in the hall of the Breslov Kollel for Young Men (Continued from 112)
Fulfilling the entire Torah begins inside the home, in the relationship between a man and his wife. The true test of the mitzvah to "love your neighbor as yourself" is not directed toward friends, but rather toward the one with whom you live twenty-four hours a day. When a husband understands that he is his wife's "Western Wall" and respects her, he is saved from the counsel of the evil inclination and merits all abundance.
A person must know what Rabbi Chaim Vital zt"l says in Parshas Eikev: The fulfillment of the mitzvah to "love your neighbor as yourself" begins specifically with one's wife. That is where the main tests lie, and through this, a person fulfills the entire Torah. When a man returns home and hears the sorrow and cries of his wife, even if he sees that she did not manage to prepare anything for him, nor did she wash or iron his clothes—if he loves her despite everything and forgives her, he thereby fulfills the entire Torah.
He can wash the clothes himself and wear them unironed, as long as he fulfills the mitzvah. This is the profound depth of Rabbi Akiva's intention when he said that the mitzvah to "love your neighbor as yourself" is equivalent to the entire Torah.
The Entire Torah on One Foot
This also explains the story of the convert who came to convert and asked to learn the entire Torah while standing on one foot. Shammai pushed him away and threw him down the stairs, for how is it possible to teach the entire Torah on one foot? But Hillel the Elder acted differently. He drew him close, caressed him, and said to him:
"That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow—this is the entire Torah, and the rest is its commentary; go and study."
Meaning, what is hateful to you, do not do to your friend. If you only fulfill this simple rule, it is a sign that you are fulfilling the entire Torah. Do not insult, do not hurt, and do not do to another what you hate having done to yourself. You do not want people to talk about you? Do not talk about the other person. You want to be heard? Listen to the other person.
To reach this level of truly loving another, one must learn the entire Torah. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter said that to be a "simple Jew," one needs to learn all four sections of the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law). If a person is not immersed in Torah day and night, he has no patience for others. Only when a person is immersed in Torah with all his 248 limbs and 365 sinews do his mind and heart open, creating within him the ability to listen to another and show them patience. A person who returns home without "mochin" (expanded consciousness), who did not learn or pray properly, his mind is blocked and he is irritable. From where will he have a heart for another?
The Greatest Test in the World
The hardest thing in the world is to love a person you live with twenty-four hours a day. It is easy to love a friend you meet once a week or a month, a friend to whom you are not bound and whom you can replace at any time. But at home, with one's wife, this is the true test. If a man succeeds in loving his wife, containing her emotions, listening to her, and having compassion for her—it is a sign that he fulfills the entire Torah.
Rabbi Nosson of Breslov brings down in the book Aveneh Barzel the words of the holy Baal Shem Tov zy"a regarding the virtue of his first wife:
"Once, the Baal Shem Tov zt"l said: 'If I still had my first wife, I would ascend to Heaven in the middle of the day in the marketplace of Mezhibozh for all to see, and not like Eliyahu who ascended in the desert in secret.'"
Regarding this, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov said: "I too, had I known the secret of a first marriage, would have ensured that she continued to live on and on for a full hundred and twenty years." Therefore, a person must pray to live with his first wife until a hundred and twenty years, and God forbid, never cause her any sorrow. Every sorrow a man causes his wife simply shortens her life. Sorrow constricts the brain, the heart, and the veins, and through this, a person's years are diminished.
The Husband is His Wife's Western Wall
The Maharal of Prague explains why a man must be so careful with his wife's honor. The wife is dependent on her husband; the husband goes to the yeshiva, learns, prays, sings, and dances. He has a place to unload his burdens—he can do Hisbodedus (secluded prayer), recite Chatzos (the midnight lament over the Temple), and pour all his sorrow into the Shemoneh Esrei prayer, word by word. But the wife, whose essence is "all the glory of the king's daughter is within," is at home with the children. She has no one before whom to pour out her heart. The husband is his wife's Western Wall.
In her youth, she was used to playing the violin under some tree, and suddenly she is burdened with caring for children and closed up in the house. Therefore, a man must always walk with compassion. Rebbe Nachman warns in the book Shivchei HaRan that a man must have pity on his wife and understand the sorrow and suffering she goes through in raising the children and maintaining the home.
The Main War of the Evil Inclination
Specifically because Shalom Bayis (marital harmony) is the foundation of everything, the evil inclination (the "Baal Davar") lies in wait especially to create separation between a husband and wife. This is his entire war. He searches under the bed for all sorts of petty reasons and strict judgments to cause conflict between them. The husband is exacting: "Why didn't you prepare a cup of tea for me? Why didn't you make me food?", when in reality, everything she does is the holy of holies.
The evil inclination knows that in this he will succeed more than with any other sin, even more than desecrating the Shabbos. The moment a man quarrels with his wife and Shalom Bayis is destroyed, he becomes depressed, his spirit falls, and who knows how far he will deteriorate. Therefore, all the cunning of the evil inclination is aimed at ruining the peace between them. This is the greatest test of every avreich (Torah scholar)—how not to be exacting with his wife and not to insult her. And as Rebbe Nachman warned, one must honor and cherish his wife, for all wealth comes to a person through honoring his wife.
Part 2 of 4 — Lesson 113